125. Red Serpent ~ Root is Manifestation

The full moon brings many waves of deep healing and un-expected learning experiences, realizations and integrations.  I’m accepting more and more each day that the intentions and rituals performed by my Human are helpful to the surrendering and acceptance process but inconsequential to the unfolding of the divine plan of which I am simply a body vehicle surrendered to a higher power in Love and Trust.  The relationship that my human conscious self and this higher presence now is that of consistent communication.  I am being told each day to relax, to trust.  To do my best in each moment to sustain a high vibration of Love and non-judgement.

The other morning I had a dream that I, the observer / first person actor in the dream, was an older man.  I was having a sexual interaction with a young girl.  There was a deep love and consent, and the young girl was witty and blunt.  I made her orgasm too quickly and she became upset, she said that it felt like I was forcing her thus was in control more and she didn’t like that.  I woke up feeling perplexed and slightly disturbed, pedophilia being the last thing I want to be involved in.  I decided to meditate for a while on the significance of this dream.  I closed my eyes and moved my attention through my body, noticing slight tensions in my lower belly.  I asked my bodycomplex, why did I have this dream?  Immediately an answer came – the young girl represented the human-body-memory-complex self doing her best to integrate this higher reality.  The older man represents my higher conscious self driving the integration process as quickly and pragmatically as he could without much consideration for he flesh-mammalian feelings of the human side, thus leaving my flesh-human self feeling taken advantage of and neglected.  This whole walk-in process is really far more complex and intriguing than I had previous understood.

124. Yellow Seed ~ Lightship Landing

“Z, you are the Star-Being Shaman Sun-Tribe Leader Earth-mother visionary. Believe in yourself & start acting like it!  This current project is a global lightship crystal energy emanation spell, a new social energy technology experiment and experiential research in releasing density & collective activation from true depth to galactic level activation.  All is in alignment for a collective coming together forming a Wellness Holistic Living Education Centre.  Manifest in Peace and Certainty.  Your body is yours for this lifetime, cultivate with respect and care.  It holds the healing key.  WE are with you.  WE love you.  WE are proud of you.  We water you and bless you with every step.  Have faith in your visions, you are the visionary and must trust your claircognizance ~ if you don’t then why would any other?” ~ Your Keepers & Friends Upstairs.

I’m sitting on a tall-stool in a rural-ontario town Ice-Rink watching my 11 year old brother play hockey.  The space is filled with nervous hockey parents unaware of their nervousness chattering about random mundanity – itching for love -itching for affection.  My perception begins to shift and the fabric of space into a shifting technicolour mesh, my spine erects and my gaze sharpens, I feel as if I move in slow-motion.  Inwardly a joyful, curious being, looking out the window of my eyes, checking out the humans standing in circles conversing.

I notice a distinct difference between my reaction to unactivated humans yesterday, and today.  In an exhausted, depressed and desolate state yesterday, I saw the compression and lack of freedom to express that these beings were experiencing and only became more depressed.  I thought to myself, gee, I really want to die – I don’t want to be here anymore. Their state scared me, it felt like Hell.  Their state a reflection of how I felt in that moment, trapped in a Hell that was my perception of reality in that moment, a vastly different experience to Today.

My eyes glaze over each person in this ice-rink, my energy gently tapping, pulsing over their Soul-star Chakra.  I feel their beings aching for love, aching for affection, aching for freedom.  I feel as if with a gentle push their souls would explode into kaleidoscopes of love in liberation, the amount of love their bodies were capable, the intense amount of compression present – just a little tap, and VOOOSH!  Expanding into rainbow love-beings, laughing Samsara into a distant past.  I see a potential moment in the future when these beings deep in conditioning share a moment of truth and present awareness with each other.  My heart over-fills with love and admiration for each being.  I remember the plan.

When the human is ready, all will manifest.

Humans are innately, naturally affectionate, loving kind and gentle creatures, needing physical affection and channels of creation.  The body is such an intricate hyper-complex and extraordinary technology deserving the highest respect, admiration and care.  In unawareness, technology and materialistic lifestyles created a strained alter-reality matrix.  All that’s needed to release this strain is to genuinely choosing to ponder the magnificence of existence and the human body itself, because only self-appreciation from the creator’s perspective sets a being free to be the creator.

I gulp at the grandiose plans they are conspiring upstairs.  I choose to remain collected in full trust, trying hard not to squeal like a little girl.  Earth is my Home.  And it is So.

122. White Wind :: A Spring Breeze

We are day 2 into the mystic column of the dreamspell day-counter, on the energy of White Overtone Wind.  I found several emails I wrote to some friends back home on my pilgrimage last year and realized I might end up in Taos again the same time of the mayan cycle this year!  I’m excited to compare the experience of my current self to that last year.  I’m excited to see all the growth I’ve accomplished and still further the lessons that must be learned.

My body a seedling

 

All the time I think “damn I wish I’d started my blog a year ago because it’s so difficult to write now” but then I realize I should just start from where I am because other wise I’ll say the same thing still next year.  It’s difficult to begin now because so much is happening.

Winter is really taking her sweet time this year, riding into April still waking up to snow on the ground.  The last couple of days have been relentless in the release of remaining fear and doubt ~ I feel the intensity rising exponentially ~ It’s been a long time of clearing and healing and learning, and I feel a massive transition close ahead, breakthrough is near.

While on a stroll the other morning suddenly I saw in my root chakra a small plant, a sprouting seedling.  It was green, glowing in rich, dark soil, albeit very young and delicate.  I suddenly felt planted on the Earth, with renewed appreciation and tenderness for myself.  Refreshing clarity in the fact that I am a young body in the process of embodying an infinite consciousness.  That this young body underwent traumatic experiences this lifetime learn about contrast and through lack learn of compassion and unconditional love, through depression learn of infinite joy.  All there is Life, and Time, and this is the very beautiful miracle.

I am a seed, of a Star.

It has been exactly a solar year since my spirit-miracle-awakening pilgrimage to the desert of New Mexico.  I can’t believe I spent so much time both in love – trembling in extreme excitement at our exhilarating and magical, splendid reality, gushing at the visions of what is to come, and in fear – doubting my authentic beingness, succumbing to insecurity and trying my darned best to squish myself back into the lower density personality-life I had been living before my awakening journey took me for a spin.

A year ago I took a vow – an oath of dedicating this body-mind purely to service, to become that which is needed most during the transition on Earth at this time, understanding that my limited perceptions in this body couldn’t possibly compare to the all-knowingness of Source.  The one consciousness must know all that is on Earth, and thus must know where my unique being could best develop and be of service.  Being an awakened soul on a suffering planet, in compassion making this vow was the only option.  My then inexperienced Earth being had no idea what this would entail – it took an entire year of experiences to show myself what integrating this reality into my body truly means – and still it’s becoming clear that this is just the beginning.

After a few months of chasing synchronicitic adventures, receiving upgrades, meeting multi-dimensional beings both in physical and in astral, downloading information and seeing visions, and receiving plenty of affirmations of a very magical, interactive and limitless world-reality – I moved back to Montreal where I had lived for 3 years previous to these experiences and basically sunk back into the shadows of forgetfulness.  Intuitively, and through a tarot reading early on in this shadow period, I knew I was to move back to my hometown in Alliston, Ontario to live with my parents.  But this would mean leaving my “perfect life” of being with “musician friends” who were the first friends I ever had in my life, who cared about “spirituality” enough to do shrooms once in a while and listen to trance music.  The home I lived in glistened in the sun, plants flourished, music played ~ it was the first stable home I had ever in my life and I was quickly growing attached to it.  Surely, I thought, being a divine agent, I should deserve to live in a nice house!  Surely, I would catch myself convincing myself, I should get to decide where this house ought to be!

Someone wise and funny once said: “If spirit calls, and you don’t go, you get dragged.”

This is basically exactly what happened.  Taking the scenic route of ignoring intuition and manifesting unintentional periods of time in places cause ripples.  The lesson I learned here was that spirit will turn every situation into oppurtunities for healing, release and learning.  As we make decisions, reality is always reacting to our actions, the in each moment an infinite number of outcomes are collapsing into our experience in the moment, experienced as linear time.  As I decided that I would remain in Montreal for a indefinite amount of time, against my inner knowing that this is not where I could express my fullest authentic self and achieve the maximum amount of growth and productivity, the conscious-interactive-reality responded: “Oh ya?  Okay fine.  I will create for you a reality-experience that will a) achieve maximal learning/healing for you and all involved and b) ensure that the outcome is re-alignment with the reality which is best for you.”

I first thought my female roommate was my twin, I recognized a soul-spark in her and this was what I felt attracted to, my lower understandings of attraction dubbed it “being in love” and so I wrote her a love-letter.  Earth-self is naive, Star-self loves every body ~ I learned quickly that this festers complicated problems in this society, as soon I confused her ex-boyfriend who was my other roommate, as my twin-flame also.  It was intense because my body was responding to the presence of his body strongly, I could feel him from the other room, and many synchronous healing moments were happening, the experience was very intense emotionally and there was little room for logic.  This stirred up very strong reactions of anger and betrayal from my female roommate, which is what lead to breakthroughs surrounding jealousy, attachment, possessiveness and onelove, but also to me getting kicked out of the house, and this lead to me moving back to my parents home, in Alliston Ontario.

I could have moved back home when I first received the intuition, and tarot-confirmations that this was the right thing for me to do.  The tarot warned me of my attachment to material security, a part of me really wanted to find out what happens when we “disobey” these signs – this being still relatively early in my spiritual development on Earth this time around.  I could have spared me and my roommates the months of emotional turmoil despite the exponential growth and healing we all ended up experiencing, because I truly do believe we are shifting from fear-based learning (through mistakes and pain) to love-based learning (through receiving and cultivating).

The last 3 months of integrating into life here has been nothing short of a rollercoaster.  My family are first generation Chinese immigrants living in a small town 1 hour north of Toronto with 15000 population mostly Caucasian, having lived here for 10 years both my parents are twisted up emotionally from having zero acquaintances.  My 10 year-old brother showing signs of neurosis and emotional instability.  I created a safe-cavern in a cube shaped bedroom in our family house.  Quickly remembered my high-school self plagued by self-hatred, depression, anorexia-bulimia which brought up a whole slew of unresolved emotions from having been disowned and tossed onto the street when I was 16 by my own mother.

The polarity between integrating my star-being cosmic healing sage priestess galactic fairy personality here to save the world, and my self-sabataging hurt little girl abandoned by her family and left all by herself, lost in a new continent are clashing so directly on top of and in around all over each other.

Each moment gaining clarity, coherence, understanding, structuralizing.  Finding meaning and reason, empowering experience into solutions.

My seedlings sprouted today.

It seems that lots of orgone is flowing around here…