It has been exactly a solar year since my spirit-miracle-awakening pilgrimage to the desert of New Mexico. I can’t believe I spent so much time both in love – trembling in extreme excitement at our exhilarating and magical, splendid reality, gushing at the visions of what is to come, and in fear – doubting my authentic beingness, succumbing to insecurity and trying my darned best to squish myself back into the lower density personality-life I had been living before my awakening journey took me for a spin.
A year ago I took a vow – an oath of dedicating this body-mind purely to service, to become that which is needed most during the transition on Earth at this time, understanding that my limited perceptions in this body couldn’t possibly compare to the all-knowingness of Source. The one consciousness must know all that is on Earth, and thus must know where my unique being could best develop and be of service. Being an awakened soul on a suffering planet, in compassion making this vow was the only option. My then inexperienced Earth being had no idea what this would entail – it took an entire year of experiences to show myself what integrating this reality into my body truly means – and still it’s becoming clear that this is just the beginning.
After a few months of chasing synchronicitic adventures, receiving upgrades, meeting multi-dimensional beings both in physical and in astral, downloading information and seeing visions, and receiving plenty of affirmations of a very magical, interactive and limitless world-reality – I moved back to Montreal where I had lived for 3 years previous to these experiences and basically sunk back into the shadows of forgetfulness. Intuitively, and through a tarot reading early on in this shadow period, I knew I was to move back to my hometown in Alliston, Ontario to live with my parents. But this would mean leaving my “perfect life” of being with “musician friends” who were the first friends I ever had in my life, who cared about “spirituality” enough to do shrooms once in a while and listen to trance music. The home I lived in glistened in the sun, plants flourished, music played ~ it was the first stable home I had ever in my life and I was quickly growing attached to it. Surely, I thought, being a divine agent, I should deserve to live in a nice house! Surely, I would catch myself convincing myself, I should get to decide where this house ought to be!
Someone wise and funny once said: “If spirit calls, and you don’t go, you get dragged.”
This is basically exactly what happened. Taking the scenic route of ignoring intuition and manifesting unintentional periods of time in places cause ripples. The lesson I learned here was that spirit will turn every situation into oppurtunities for healing, release and learning. As we make decisions, reality is always reacting to our actions, the in each moment an infinite number of outcomes are collapsing into our experience in the moment, experienced as linear time. As I decided that I would remain in Montreal for a indefinite amount of time, against my inner knowing that this is not where I could express my fullest authentic self and achieve the maximum amount of growth and productivity, the conscious-interactive-reality responded: “Oh ya? Okay fine. I will create for you a reality-experience that will a) achieve maximal learning/healing for you and all involved and b) ensure that the outcome is re-alignment with the reality which is best for you.”
I first thought my female roommate was my twin, I recognized a soul-spark in her and this was what I felt attracted to, my lower understandings of attraction dubbed it “being in love” and so I wrote her a love-letter. Earth-self is naive, Star-self loves every body ~ I learned quickly that this festers complicated problems in this society, as soon I confused her ex-boyfriend who was my other roommate, as my twin-flame also. It was intense because my body was responding to the presence of his body strongly, I could feel him from the other room, and many synchronous healing moments were happening, the experience was very intense emotionally and there was little room for logic. This stirred up very strong reactions of anger and betrayal from my female roommate, which is what lead to breakthroughs surrounding jealousy, attachment, possessiveness and onelove, but also to me getting kicked out of the house, and this lead to me moving back to my parents home, in Alliston Ontario.
I could have moved back home when I first received the intuition, and tarot-confirmations that this was the right thing for me to do. The tarot warned me of my attachment to material security, a part of me really wanted to find out what happens when we “disobey” these signs – this being still relatively early in my spiritual development on Earth this time around. I could have spared me and my roommates the months of emotional turmoil despite the exponential growth and healing we all ended up experiencing, because I truly do believe we are shifting from fear-based learning (through mistakes and pain) to love-based learning (through receiving and cultivating).
The last 3 months of integrating into life here has been nothing short of a rollercoaster. My family are first generation Chinese immigrants living in a small town 1 hour north of Toronto with 15000 population mostly Caucasian, having lived here for 10 years both my parents are twisted up emotionally from having zero acquaintances. My 10 year-old brother showing signs of neurosis and emotional instability. I created a safe-cavern in a cube shaped bedroom in our family house. Quickly remembered my high-school self plagued by self-hatred, depression, anorexia-bulimia which brought up a whole slew of unresolved emotions from having been disowned and tossed onto the street when I was 16 by my own mother.
The polarity between integrating my star-being cosmic healing sage priestess galactic fairy personality here to save the world, and my self-sabataging hurt little girl abandoned by her family and left all by herself, lost in a new continent are clashing so directly on top of and in around all over each other.
Each moment gaining clarity, coherence, understanding, structuralizing. Finding meaning and reason, empowering experience into solutions.
My seedlings sprouted today.
It seems that lots of orgone is flowing around here…